


Blue Shadows and Summer Moonlight

by turquoise_moon



Series: A Bridge Across Forever [1]
Category: Tales of Zestiria
Genre: Childhood Memories, Confessions, Feelings Realization, First Love, Headcanon Accepted, Implied Sexuality Realization, Light Angst, M/M, Repressed Memories, Repressed Sorey-Oblivious Mikleo, Resonance, Reunions, Romantic Fluff, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-13 04:21:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20168053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turquoise_moon/pseuds/turquoise_moon
Summary: _________________________________________________"If love is a bridge across forever, I will never let you fall...So let me hold your hand and be with you until the end of time..."-Anonymous journal_________________________________________________Sorey has always believed he understood everything... well, most of it at least. But it had already been almost eight centuries and he had not the faintest clue as to why he was taking so long to wake up.It's not about purifying the Malevolence...It just turns out there are a few things even a Shepherd may be afraid of...And while some secrets are never meant to be buried, a little bit of honesty can work wonders... that is, with a little help from Maotelus.





	Blue Shadows and Summer Moonlight

**Author's Note:**

> I read "Marigold and Peonies" by Cyan written for SorMk 2019... (posted here in AO3) and somehow got inspired by writing random thoughts about what if... what if Sorey could explain what he really felt while remembering the same things he went through as a Shepherd but from a future POV? 
> 
> Also, you may read this as a prequel to "When the World Revolves Around You" for those familiar with that multi-chapter fic. This is my standard headcanon for SorMik and TOZ so it fits with everything I'm gonna write in the future on a similar theme.
> 
> Again, thank you so much for the support... I'll do my best to update my multi-chapter fics soon. For now, I hope this fills the void even a little bit... ^_^

**o)----------o)O(o----------(o**

You think he understands, you always assume he does. Maybe he did, maybe he still does, but the difference has never been important.

All that matters was that he understood or was willing to, at least. He has never given you any excuse to doubt this. You have always been so sure of his thoughts and feelings as if they were your own, as if you share one breath, one heartbeat.

You make so many assumptions, and though none of them has ever been confirmed, you go on believing just the same. 

Blindly. Because you want to play it safe. And you can only feel safe if you don't know what you don't even want to know.

Ironically, you run into trouble all the time like some danger magnet. Yet, your courage wanes like a candle when it comes to him.

You know him more than anyone you've ever met. You know every color that touches him... of wisps of dew and morning mist that turn his hair into a bright sheen of gold and silver moonlight. Even as you lay beneath an endless midnight of dead stars and shadows, you can tell how every touch of color that stains his pale, pale skin makes his solitude more subtle and elegant, like a perfect sky you can only watch from an unreachable distance...

You worship Mikleo like a childhood dream you've always wanted but could never have. Yet, you'd rather sigh and look elsewhere than man it up and say it.

You've been wanting to say it for the longest time, haven't you Sorey?

You wanted to tell him how much you adore him... how you worship even the touch of rain on his lips or the smile of sunshine dancing on his creamy, white cheeks. You worship the invisible air that surrounds him, that joins you both even when there are invisible walls that surround you. It makes you sigh each time you're aware of him, though being _not_ aware of him almost never happens. 

You wish you could give him poetry, but talking alone is already a feat. You are always at a loss for words.

And so he complains you're never good for conversation. But you only need to be so honest in order to make him understand... how his beauty captivates you, reaches you in places no one else can. And the enchantment never ceases even when all he can ever do is to be there for you, not to fulfill your desires, but almost to remind you that desires are never meant to be fulfilled to begin with.

Though you've never been one to sit still and do nothing, nothing tires you more than nothing you could do nothing about... or the way he frustrates you, like when he leans his head too close for comfort, unaware of the shivers that travel down your body when you feel his eyes, his breath on you. It's funny how those small accidents lead you on to think the unthinkable...

You ache to be touched, to be fondled, to be kissed.

You wish to forget who he was and who you were even for a moment, so you don't have to think of an excuse to kiss him and apologize for the mistake.

You wish he wasn't smart enough to know what's good for you.

Yet, you wish he was smart enough to see through it all. He could have known the meaning behind those stolen glances, your penetrating stare that betrays how much you like what you see that you have perfectly mastered the art of walking while looking behind you.

Your body language says it all. You always walk ahead of him to let him know you're strong enough to protect him even if you're only human.

Even the slightest sign of danger puts you on the defense. Though everyone knows you're bigger, taller, broader in all the right places, you stand feet apart, arms akimbo to make it all the more visible. You want him to believe you're all he'll ever need. You want him to feel safe with you, to treat you like a shield.

Yet, despite all that posing, you wield a short, wooden sword that's dull enough not to hurt others... though that in itself is absurd. It's only _against_ him that you fear your own strength, so you've found a good reason to shorten the distance when you spar. Even as a rival, you cannot keep him _too_ far away. But no matter how he takes advantage of that weakness, you barely give him a scratch. 

Ironically, you wear no armor, not even leather belts for your own protection. Because the most vulnerable part of you is not your body but him, all of him... with no exceptions. 

It's easy to realize that you can never hurt him, or let him get hurt. Though he has healing artes for protection, you risk life and limb without thinking to catch him when he falls. And not once have you even managed to dent his rod. You wished there was some way your sword could match it... but then you never know exactly which rod you're imagining until you feel weird, and you run away and cover yourself with a blanket.

There were nights you'd rather sleep by yourself... on your own... though god knows you miss him every night, the tickle fights and all. He would _never_ find out what the _real_ matter was, why you had to sleep apart though you're allowed to stay together for the most part of the day.

Your nocturnal secrets are your own.

You feign innocence, but that's all right even if it makes you feel a little guilty. Because there's no shame without a little dishonesty, and there's no reason to complain when it hurts no one. And the rhyme and rhythm of bodily pleasure is something he'll _never_ understand anyway, not in the way you do. Because it takes a human to _feel_ human... all your human wants and needs.

Maybe he senses the changes even vaguely. You begin to notice the caution in his touch. He begins to be embarrassed when you watch too closely, and he almost flinches when you get too close.

On your own, you realize you're also changing...

By a series of accidents, you begin to unravel the mystery of your racing heart, your feverish heat... the wanton shivers that _harden_ your secret. In agony, your body confirms the attraction when he sits next to you, or every time your elbows touch as you read together.

You try to hide it by staring too hard at the whittled pages. But then he leans next to you, and suddenly the smell of paper is lost. To your chagrin, every page starts to take longer than a novel. 

Sometimes, alone, it gets hard to hold it in. Your fingers explore you, though your imagination strays to his face, his body, the scent of him. You imagine his pleasure and his pain. 

He tests your self-control, every bit of reserve you have. _Not_ that it has ever been deliberate. It happens all the time as you exchange quiet glances, or when your fingers graze each other like embarrassed secrets. The temptation sometimes gets a little too much because it happens too often, and every time it does you expect the unexpected... a startled whimper, an awkward glance... nameless things that put you on edge.

Yet, despite the torture... or because of it... you want him close. The mere sight of him laughing and whispering next to another makes you jealous enough to want to steal his attention.

And though you deny it, you cut in every time his eyes linger on someone else. You've known him for years, yet you pull in your breath the moment he comes within your line of vision. The feeling stirs you up, so you imagine things when he smiles at another. That is why you felt unsettled when he refused to share those secrets he and Dezel had been smiling about.

That night, you sulked like a child and refused to be yourself. 

You want to own all of him, yet you hardly act the part. Not that he has ever given you a chance to because he second-guesses your likes and dislikes and puts your own feelings first.

Everybody thinks you're obsessed with ruins. Yet, the moment he leaves, your exotic adventure becomes a chore. Ancient relics become lifeless rubble and barren rock when he walks out on you in a losing fight. Even his walking shadow seems more bearable. 

The thing is, you're independent and carefree, but the security comes with a price. One day he might leave you for something more interesting so you do your best to measure up. You often complain how he mothers you, yet you admit no excuses to let him go. You know it could never happen... because that's what promises are for.

You can't _ever_ let him go.

Yet, when he does break free you languish in the thought that you're doing the right thing. You imagine the distance to be a mere test of loyalty and fortitude... how far either of you can endure the other without betraying your need for reassurance.

One time, you had to sit down and admit how much you hated Edna teasing him to no end. You scolded them like children, and he was too shocked to even apologize. I guess even you have your moments. It's hard to keep calm when someone you look up to is letting someone else turn him into a comedian. 

Likewise, you've never toyed with him beyond harmless fun so you hate seeing him toyed with, like a bad habit. 

You've always kept your composure not because you're a perfect human being who understands everything. You just hate being outdone. Rivalry binds you just as much as friendship... not that it's less important.

It _must_ be important because you know you can never ask for anything more.

He _is_ a seraph, though it only makes you worry if being _you_ is the problem, or is it he? After all _seraphim_ is not just a different name for a different race. The word hides a world of taboo... secrets not meant to be known or kept.

You should have been there when Zaveid and Edna were subtly educating Mikleo on this point. Did he ever mention how he found that doll odd?

"Maotelus? That was your voice just now, wasn't it?"

Shepherd Sorey, there is no one but you who dwells with me in this sea of silence. My intrusion almost comes naturally.

"Uh, right. But please, I wouldn't mind if you drop the honorifics. After all, I've been here longer than anywhere else, and it's not like we haven't talked for centuries..."

The Child is the Father of the Man, so it seems. Thy will shall be my bidding. 

"Uh, Maotelus... that sounds just a bit _too_ formal still. Just asking though... how long had I been out? I must have fallen asleep for a little bit."

Time here runs differently. One year in the outside world feels like a second in this space we dwell in.

"Yeah, you told me before. So... did I miss anything important, in any case?"

You never forget to ask a little_ too_ fondly. You must mean that lingering presence that never forgets... It stayed for a bit as it always did. I'm sure you have felt it, somewhat.

"Uh, oh... I should have tried to stay awake then..." 

Rest easy for now. While your body needs more mana to recover, your mind also needs to be replenished. Only when it is ready does the body follow its course. 

"But I couldn't help overhearing your thoughts. You said something about a doll... Is it about... Mikleo?" 

Indeed. In one of your travels, he came upon some exquisitely-carved dolls, a set including an outer seraph doll with a human doll inside of it. To say the least, he was confused as to the meaning of a human inside a seraph, the opposite being true of the _armatus_ where it is the seraph who enters his human vessel to become as one. Nonetheless, he seemed intrigued to the point of speculating on the _true_ meaning behind the arrangement of the dolls. 

"Uh... a human inside a seraph... I guess I'd be a little shocked myself if I see something so... uh... explicit."

Yet, he failed to arrive at the most obvious conclusion. To think that within the dolls' interior was some sort of seed...

"Oh god, I hope he didn't get _that_ one either!"

True. Edna and Zaveid might have been right when they said how Mikleo seemed far more innocent than you. Though I believe the topic had been breached at least once in our countless conversations... that the union of seraphim and human can be just as physical as any other-

"Err... to be honest, if I've known what it was, I wouldn't have told Mikleo anything about it, I mean not about _that_. Though it makes me wonder if... that apple gel I found might have been the same..."

Oh, you mean back in that inn... the one you found in that lavatory? You had no idea how that apple gel got there, though one might presume it explains itself if you think about its uses...

"But who would use it in a place like... you mean-"

Inns and taverns have been used for breeding, have they not?

"Breeding what?"

Humans aptly call it coupling... mating... making love. It's a time when human pairs enter each other physically as if to become one body, one spirit. And to prepare for such a union, they find gels a useful tool... to lubricate that human organ called-

"Sheesh, never mind_, _I-I think I'd pass. Just-just forget it..."

You seem flustered. Did I mention anything so inappropriate?

"Uh, seriously though, Mikleo's fine not knowing _those_ things... I mean... he needn't hear _that_ from _me_. Besides, it wouldn't amount to anything life-changing... whether he knew or he didn't."

Yet, the physical dimensions of human culture are not so difficult to learn. It might even inspire him to try something new.

"No way! I'd never-I mean, I wouldn't go that far with Mikleo!"

You mean you choose not to. Yet, you must have been wanting to do it. Humans are naturally curious, and the seraphim are a beautiful mystery. 

"Too beautiful that I have to hold myself back all the time. It's enough to make me hate myself." 

Doubtful you are of yourself? So you confuse what is clear, in the hope of resisting the obvious. You'd rather stay in perpetual limbo than risk falling into a certain hell. You speak of affection, but love and desire are nothing but deeper wants that bond hearts and bodies like the moon does the tides.

You cannot have one and fear the other. 

"Maybe taking chances would work if the situation's different... But Mikleo and I..."

So certain are you of the impossible?

"He's different. And I can't lose him any more than I already did. Whatever we had was something to be grateful for... and whenever I think about it, I start missing him all over again... far more than I can ever say."

The fact is, you've survived this long without him.

"Yet, he's the only thing that's keeping me alive. Don't get me wrong... I care about the world, everyone's become a part of my journey... a part of the struggle to end an age of chaos and to protect a future everyone deserves. But I can't even imagine what it's like to have the world back where I want it, only to never see him again..."

So you are saying...

"I can bear all the pain knowing Mikleo's there for me. But without him, everything feels... so empty..." 

Have you ever told him this? 

"I never thought I needed to. I'm sure he understands... one way or another."

Which is exactly why we need to talk about this... why you're still here, trapped in this state of timeless existence.

"I'm still here because it's a Shepherd's duty... because I haven't completely rid the world of Malevolence like I should. Though I guess I'm not good enough... so I need a little more time to accomplish something like this?"

You're still here because you're afraid to face your greatest fear. You're still here because you have the power to shine the light of hope to rid the world of darkness, yet you run away from your own shadow... unrequited feelings, desires, misgivings. It is hardly your goal as a Shepherd that binds you to my side. Something else is keeping you from going back to the world out there, and you know this... you know there are frightening things you must face... truths you cannot deny about yourself.

And though it is no lord of calamity, you fear it as much... uncertain as to whether you can accept the truth waiting for you... if it turns out to be different from what you've been hoping for. 

"That's... just... a little too complicated to swallow. I don't suppose I'm smart enough to be that subtle."

You're afraid of waking up to a whole new world that doesn't acknowledge _his_ existence... a world without Malevolence... and yet a world that has forgotten the existence of seraphim as well.

"But I won't let that happen, Maotelus! The world needs the seraphim..."

And you _need_ him more than you think. You may want to believe Mikleo understands everything... even these feelings you can hardly be honest about. But what he does _not_ understand is what really bothers you because it is that one thing that matters... that one thing that makes all the difference.

You pretend it's all right, that having him by your side is enough. But what if that small happiness you've been holding on to is taken away? Not by you but by memories you no longer have?

"I can live with that. My selfish dream can go on even without me... But any more selfish than that, and I might lose my one chance to see Mikleo again."

How can the same eyes see what the heart has already forgotten? People and seraphim die. So do memories.

"Not when they're carved in our hearts and souls. I already promised Mikleo I will _never_ forget, and I know he trusts me enough to believe that I can do it!"

You mean your dream of seeing the ruins of the world? It was the only thing he asked for you to fulfill.

"Because it's all he ever knows... all I ever _let_ him know, at least. But I swear that's _not_ what I meant! Maybe I'm the only one who wanted humans and seraphim to live together the same way we do... but hearing him say that he wanted it too made me happier than anything else ever did... It's just that..."

You were expecting him to surprise you with that one, single truth you've been longing to hear: that he wished to be _that_ dream in your heart... _your_ dream, _your_ wish...

In your heart you already know the same... that he's the one you want to return to after all of this is over.

"I wish it were that simple... But knowing him... after spending so much time alone with him... I kinda know Mikleo's limits... and I'm sure he wouldn't even know how to have feelings like that. I remember that time... when I told him that if only people could see all the stars out there, they'd realize that some stars shine so brightly... even brighter than others even if they seem invisible. I guess he thought I was talking about how we found Alisha... friends we wouldn't have found if I didn't become the Shepherd."

Was he entirely wrong?

"Yes and no? I told him those stars were the seraphim, but then he went on about what it was like the first time Alisha got to see _and_ hear seraphim. He even teased me about how amazed and happy I was for her. Of course I was, but... I just couldn't help but wonder if he knew what a relief it was to be able to prove that my dream wasn't just a fantasy... that humans might be able to see seraphim again if I give it a little push in the right direction. Knowing I can actually make the world a safer place for seraphim to live in... a place of welcome, not of prejudice and hate meant it was a dream worth all the sacrifice I was about to make."

And? Was there something more romantic that needed saying?

"Uh, maybe... I guess? When I told him how there can be as many emotions as there are stars in the sky?"

Your attempt at poetry is, at least, impressive.

"_Attempt_ is the right word, I guess? I know I'm not so good with words... so I said I forgot who said it."

I won't assume he took your word for it. I imagine you were a bad liar even then.

"Well, I didn't want Mikleo laughing his heart out if he thought my poetry sucked! Though he never guessed it anyway. Seraphim are just far more detached than I thought. At least Mikleo is."

It's not that he is. The language of the heart just happens to speak differently. Reason requires logic and clear thinking. But you need an entirely different way of understanding feelings, an entirely different expression to convey your emotions. 

"I haven't really thought of it that way. Mikleo is the deep-thinker, always has been. I'm the one who calls a spade a spade. But I guess for as long as I'm human and he's a seraph, there will always be things we'd never quite understand in exactly the same way.... and maybe that's one of those things I like about it too."

Meaning to say?

"We see and understand the world differently and yet... we understand it beyond all the differences that get in the way. It's like looking at the same sky and seeing the same clouds but imagining different funny shapes with it and laughing together all the same... like there's something beautiful about not seeing the same world in exactly the same way... because then that's the whole point of wanting the other person to be there... to have someone to understand and to be understood." 

And yet, you've never told him these things... at least not in the same way you speak of them now.

"I'm sure Mikleo has things he can't say to me either. I mean, we all do... right?"

But assumptions are never certain. Not when we've never even bothered to confirm them.

"Maybe. But if there's one thing I'm certain of, it's that Mikleo cares about me, maybe not in _that_ way but... back then, I was so happy when I found him waiting for me 'cause he couldn't let me leave Elysia just like that. Maybe I wished so hard I could take him with me that he got there even before I did. I almost couldn't hold myself back... when he said he wanted to come with me... that Gramps wanted me to be free and to live my life the way I wanted to, without any regrets. Gramps must have known all along what I truly felt..."

You almost sound like you've been keeping secrets from Zenrus. Not that you could. 

"I know, right? Though Mikleo and I... would have things like those between us... like when he told me his _true name_."

He did? And did you know how bold that was of him? I could not even speak of my own true name to that important someone who had asked the same...

"He said Gramps would bring down his thunder on both of us if he ever found out that I knew. The night Mikleo told me, it was the last night I got to sleep next to him... on the same bed like we'd been doing since we were babies. I was turning thirteen then, and Gramps and the others explained that it marks a special day of becoming independent... of becoming a man."

I see. That only makes me curious as to what becoming a _man_ might have meant to seraphim back then.

"I learned that part of it is growing up... that minds and bodies start changing too... uh, together with a lot of other stuff. Natalie, Kyme and the others used to tease me about it... but Gramps was strict with me more than ever! One time he caught me sleeping over at Mikleo's and grounded me for a month!" 

So he knew the persuasive power of puberty. Just like giving one's true name to someone who is not your contractor. It almost never happens... except between true comrades... or lovers. You two might have been both without realizing it. After all, entrusting one's life to someone without forming a pact is more a confession of love and mutual feelings. You must have given _your_ seraph a reason to give his heart away. 

"Really? Maybe if I had known back then, I would have said something more! Uh, that is... I wished I did..."

Maybe your eyes betray you far more than you think. For such are the windows to the soul... the voice that needs no words to speak the truth.

"Or maybe Mikleo and I were just doing our best not to overthink it. Still... I'm pretty sure Gramps already knew I needed an excuse to have Mikleo stay with me. That might be the reason Mikleo found out I was about to leave Elysia that night on my own. Gramps might have given him a clue... he probably knew I would run back to Mikleo than become the Shepherd if I went to Ladylake all by myself. I wouldn't have been brave enough to find out if I could be the Shepherd the world needed at the moment."

But have you ever really searched for meaning beyond the purpose laid out for you? To find your origins... to discover what it means to truly live a human life? Living among the seraphim is just one of many possibilities. Only by making your own choices can you truly live up to your fate. 

"I guess if I really wanted to leave Elysia to have a life of my own... I would've done it sooner. But maybe even Gramps knew that having choices means making up my mind about the kind of future I want for myself and Mikleo... that it means forging a path neither human nor seraphim could have ever imagined was possible. He knew it was the only way we could ever be truly happy... but we needed to learn how to fight for that happiness ourselves, to give shape to our own dreams rather than expect the world to let us have it on a silver platter..." 

And have you ever shared with Mikleo these thoughts, the truth behind your precious goal?

"You mean my dream of humans and seraphim living together? It's a theory I've picked up... from the Celestial Record."

Exactly. Even I am piqued by your fixation on such lofty, yet dangerous ideals. Why do you choose a thorny path of sorrow and regret when existence itself is but a temporary joy? What is the logic of wanting humans and seraphim to co-exist when life is too short for any human to understand the point of co-existence?

"Is wanting a pure and perfect world really that impossible?"

All things that live also die. In death all things must pass, both evil and good. Yet, you insist that humans and seraphim need each other. The world will go on with or without peace, with or without good and evil. You know this too, Sorey, you who taught yourself how to read the ancient tongue and had read all the secrets hidden in those ruins...

"The fact that my dream is nothing but faith in things unknown scares me sometimes that all I can do is to believe. I have to believe, if nothing else, because it's all I can do..." 

And yet, you know that such a difficult thing as love also exists. It's a human treasure, a human gift. But what makes it so human is what makes it flawed. You know this, Sorey. You know Mikleo understands the human heart... but understanding is not the same as being or becoming.

"I know. If all we need is understanding to change hearts and minds, the world would have been a good place a long time ago."

But as harsh as it sounds, you've chosen to live your life in the shadow of legend and uncertainty. Holding on to the same values that the seraphim held dear, you've come to believe that life is all about saving another's existence... protecting it at all costs. But to do that, someone has to play the hero. You've shed off seven hundred and eighty years of existence doing nothing but that, and I've watched you sleep... have seen all your dreams, your desires and fantasies play themselves over and over...

In the end, I see nothing but the same selfish dream insisting on the impossible.

"Even if you say that, I know humans and seraphim can live together without hurting each other. I know that because I can't... I will _never_ hurt Mikleo. How can anyone hurt someone who speaks to your soul like no one else can? If only others like me know this, I'm sure they'd understand. They'd feel exactly the way I do."

Has Mikleo always been your ideal of what seraphim are like?

"Ever since we were young. Maybe finding someone like Mikleo... someone who exists like a part of one's soul... is not really as easy as I think it is. But then, isn't that exactly what it means to find treasure more precious than anything the world could ever give? I guess I was just lucky to have been given a chance to know what _that_ feels like, the kind of happiness that makes you want to share it with everyone. It's not some taboo or secret that other people think it is... Just like the world of the seraphim is not a myth... it's a beautiful truth that shouldn't be buried in some ruins where no one else might find it."

You've held on to your own secrets for centuries yet, here you are, reprimanding the ancients for protecting the world from their own. The accusation seems a little ironic."

"All right, I get you. But my true wish... do you really want to hear it that badly?" 

I am Maotelus, you need not be ashamed. I will not judge your truths and wishes, though our ways of seeing differ.

"I guess saying it isn't all that hard. The harder part is knowing that most wishes don't come true just by wishing. Even if we pray for a miracle and hope for the best, there's always a chance nothing will come of it. It hurts to know and accept something like that... but then, I guess it's a reason to be happy with what we have. Maybe I sound like a dork admitting something so sappy... but I'd rather think about what I can do with what I have... even if it's not everything I wish for."

And what do you wish for?

"For my dream to finally come true." 

That is not what you _truly_ wish for. Your words don't lie, but only because you refuse to open your heart to the truth that scares you more than all the enemies you've ever faced.

"Maybe I'm an idiot because... uh... I'm not so sure what you're getting at."

Your words can't lie, not because you lack the ability or the motivation. Rather, you've never doubted anyone, not even yourself when it comes to truths that don't concern your heart, your feelings, your own precious secrets.

In truth, and you know this... you never lied _to_ anyone or _about_ anyone because you're much better at lying to yourself.

"Maotelus... you kinda have a mean streak in you, don't you?"

Perhaps? Not that I see everything that needs to be seen... though your eyes, just as your dreams and wishes, show as much. The truth of the matter is, you want Mikleo to understand the secret language of the human heart, a language he might never learn because it is acquired by instinct. Still, there has never been a single day that you did not wish it.

"Hell... that's kinda even more embarrassing than Gramps finding me out!"

On the contrary, you had him thinking for a moment, like everybody did, that you wanted a human life... with a certain human girl who shares the same interest in the seraphim... 

"It's really got nothing to do with choosing between human and seraphim. I mean, I never really looked at humans and seraphim as being different just because they are human _or_ seraphim. Uh... I'm not sure if it makes sense to say this, but... maybe seraphim think no differently from humans when they think those differences must be natural or even necessary. Mikleo must have thought of it that way too... so he's kinda always making room for me and Alisha... like he was thinking I liked Alisha because liking another human was the most natural thing a human could do."

But going out of your way to fight her battles, to save her kingdom and ensure her safety... all these impressed themselves as a sign that you harbor deep affections for her.

"I always believed helping the world isn't a duty only for those the world looks up to. As a Shepherd, I understood Alisha's despair... wanting to help others even when they doubt the very sacrifices you make for their own good, the very things you'd give up for their own sake. In the end..."

You can only do so much for others.... but you have your own dream to fulfill.

"And that dream goes beyond helping a kingdom get back on its feet. Going against my better judgment to fight her war and save her is me trying to prove that I can protect everyone. But that was nothing like love. It was false pride that made me do it... and I realized my mistake the hard way when I fought Heldalf and almost got myself killed. I guess meeting Rose and travelling with her, seeing how she was willing to do the things I couldn't to preserve my convictions as a Shepherd... all those things helped me realize what I truly lacked. It brought home the point that I couldn't protect everyone... that what I want is not always what the world needs. Killing Eizen taught me that... it taught me humility... it gave me a true sense of what saving means. People will hate me for it, misunderstand what the Shepherd stood for... but that is their choice, a choice I don't have to do anything about, for as long as I stay true to my duty, and what I must do to fulfill it."

Is leaving Alisha your own personal choice as well? Did you not struggle with the feeling of losing someone irreplaceable?

It's more like accepting different people who enter your life almost unexpectedly, rather than thinking of it as replacing friends and comrades. My plans needed changing along the way, but my goal has always been the same. I'm sure Alisha saw through it when I decided not to go to Pendrago for the peace treaty. Like Sergei, she would have to make political compromises for the sake of peace... and though I understand that, it's where our paths and feelings diverge. When Zaveid asked if I missed Alisha, they probably thought I needed her to keep me grounded as a human... that it seemed I was rushing myself and saving a mountain of regrets for later. But my heart and mind were settled... and nothing would have mattered more than doing what I really needed to do. Now I'm beginning to understand why even Mikleo kept bugging me about being worried about Alisha back then..."

So has Mikleo ever realized your true feelings? 

"I kinda hoped he understood what I meant when I told everyone I've matured _'you know...'_ I meant being mature enough to know exactly who I want to be with..."

And that someone is?

"It has always been Mikleo ever since. But I guess it has never been as clear to me as that time when I realized _this_ was it... I'm leaving him soon... and I can lose him and all our memories together if I keep on denying my feelings. Still it wasn't like I could say exactly what I felt and expect him to understand completely..."

You were thinking that he needed to be human like yourself to understand your human heart... all those emotions that you yourself didn't find too easy to understand or convey. 

"I guess? I didn't know how to explain it back then, but that time, it _really_ had me thinking... what if he doesn't get it? What if my feelings become nothing but a burden to him, when I've already given him more than enough to carry for me? I didn't want things to change for the worse between us when the mere thought of losing him was already tearing me apart... and it's not like I had any other choice. If I had been honest... if Mikleo had returned my feelings... of course I'd be happy, happier than I've ever been in my life..."

But?

"But then I wouldn't have been able to walk away... and having to face the lord of calamity in that state of mind would only be suicide. I couldn't face Heldalf with the possibility of losing everything in that battle just because I was too selfish to put all my hopes and dreams on Mikleo. If I failed as a Shepherd, I'd be crushing not only the hopes of everyone who stood by me, but the one precious thing I live for... the one treasure I didn't think I could lose..." 

I understand your feelings. Some things_ do_ seem impossible even for miracles... though the gods need one themselves when the impossible needs to be done. Yet, it doesn't preclude the idea of miracles happening when you least expect them. The only thing is, no one knows exactly how, or why, or when.

"I guess that's all the more reason to trust the power of miracles! But then, we'll never really know until we actually try looking for an answer."

Rising from despair, hope blooms like a spark of light fending off a million shadows. You have the confidence of a child, yet the wisdom of the ancients. 

"Nah, that would be too amazing! But... speaking of hopes and wishes... have you got a coin or... uh... something like it?"

Like this? What does it have to do with anything?

"Uh, never heard of wishing wells? This pool of light around us... it almost looks like a huge wishing well! I remember how Mikleo and I wanted to try it out after reading it from a book, but we never really got around to finding coins and silver fountains so... just once, why don't we give it a try? All we need to do is to drop a coin, make a wish, and that's it."

How simple. Is there anything you want to share with me before you make this make-believe wish of yours? 

"Uh... how about the wish itself? But wishes are like secrets. I might jinx it if I tell anyone about it." 

Indeed. Besides, I could always pry it from your dreams as you sleep.

"Hey, that-that's kinda rude! Though it's not like I leave myself open completely even then!"

Well, while your body _is_ in perpetual sleep, your mind does pretty much stay awake... even if only to cleanse the mana that unites all things to the earth pulse. In any case, would it be too much to share your deepest, fondest secret with this old friend?

"Seriously? Maotelus, if you haven't even guessed by now what that secret was, you're even more dense than Mikleo and I put together!"

Something tells me that is _not_ a compliment. 

"Of course it isn't."

So are you saying you're finally ready to face your greatest fear rather than bind yourself here... to an eternity of solitude and permanent memories? After all, I will never deny you the secret wishes of your heart. I can protect your mind... play your memories over and over like a song lulling you to a never-ending slumber. You are always welcome to stay by my side if that is what you choose. My sanctuary shall be your protection.

"I'm happy to have known you, Maotelus."

But your heart is saying something else. 

"How come you know everything?"

I do not. Not even the gods do. But some guesses are just as good. Besides, you know I wouldn't mind.

"Maotelus... do you think it's too late to say that if I have one more life left to live... if I could choose my life from here on... I wouldn't really care what it was for as long as I get to spend it with Mikleo? I don't know why it took me this long to find the strength to face my fears, but now all I could ever think about is how much I want to see him again... how much I want to be with him and see the world as far as our eyes can see. I never realized how long I've been sleeping in this cocoon, trying to keep my memories of him safe. But you're right..."

About what?

"If there aren't any gods out there to grant miracles, maybe there's no other choice but to try and make my own miracles happen! And I know I can do it for as long as Mikleo believes in me. Maybe finding happiness is almost impossible with the way the world is right now... but I want to fight for that happiness because it's the only way I can be with Mikleo to wherever our fates might take us."

And what if you fail? What if you find yourself reborn in a world you no longer remember as you should?

"I don't have all the answers but... nothing's impossible until you give it your best shot! And like hell, Mikleo is worth everything I could put my heart and mind to! That's something I already know.... all I have to do is to prove it! And I know it's been a long journey... and if it weren't for your help, I wouldn't probably have realized what place I was trying to reach. I've always thought wishes are only for make-believe and fantasy... but right now, there's nothing more I could wish for than to find my way back to all those things that have been precious to me from the start..."

Things like?

"Simple things I've grown up with... like a home next to a field of wildflowers... a hand to hold on to under a warm blanket... a smile that stirs me up to the very tips of my toes... and the most beautiful eyes staring back at me with that one, simple question..."

**o)-----o)O(o-----(o**

_Sorey, is it really you?_

All those centuries of yearning... of hoping against all hope and praying for a miracle that might never come seemed nothing compared to that awkward minute that our eyes locked onto each other, lips unable to say, even whisper the slightest sound.

I knew I would rather hold on to this illusion than let any sound, any flicker of emotion erase this vision forever. 

But Mikleo was not easily afraid of things like that. And I guess I was not one to wait forever either.

"Sorey?"

Finally, I realized how real this was. This hand in mine, this scent, this splash of silver, that sweet shade of summer moonlight hovering in his eyes like diamonds beneath a twilight sky...

The moment he called my name, it was all over... all the fear, the uncertainty, the self-doubt gave way to a rush of feeling beyond all understanding.

The whole world opened itself like a vast ocean of secrets too beautiful for words. I was left speechless. My heart was overflowing, and for the first time I found myself alive again. 

"Mikleo..."

I was trying to breathe, to hold back tears that came with a twisting ache, but I knew it was a losing battle. Words threatening to spill drowned in my chest, and I was almost ashamed to admit that I didn't have the strength to stop myself from crying. Not that I would or _could_ deny the feelings bursting from within me, yearning to be expressed. But I guess I wanted to keep my composure a little longer for something more precious... 

I wanted to be able to say what I needed to say, to hold his hand and see his face when the moment of truth finally feels right...

A moment when I could finally open up my heart completely, speak my soul, and earn the right to take him away forever.

When I pulled him up, he felt light... so light it was easy to lift him up and into my arms. But I couldn't tell you what happened right after that... I guess it's one of those things Mikleo and I would rather keep to ourselves. 

All I could say is, I'm happy to have been given this chance to be here... to realize what I had almost lost if I had ever let go.

There's so much to say, and still, so much more I can't even put into words. But I guess even new beginnings have to start somewhere...

Surrounded by blue shadows and summer moonlight still dancing in his eyes, I'm mesmerized. I wonder how it feels to kiss those lips, to touch every part of him my hands could reach... But I've waited centuries for this, so I guess I shouldn't mind waiting just a little bit longer until he's ready... 

Before I drown myself in this heady feeling, I'd like to thank everyone for bringing me here... to my one, last, and final wish.

_I'm home... _

_Mikleo... I'm finally home..._

**o)----------o)O(o----------(o**

_"To part with you is never easy, _

_so as you lay here next to me_

_Beneath these stars, under the moon_

_I make a promise to outlast them all:_

_ If love is a bridge across forever, I will never let you fall..._

_So let me hold your hand and be with you until the end of time_

_Even if the moon itself grows weary, and the stars no longer shine_

_I'll still hold on, I'll carry you, my beloved, forever mine..." _

_ _

**o)----------o)O(o----------(o**


End file.
